my life's .. perfect ?

i cant say it is. nor i cant say it isn't. i have like almost everything. almost everything i always wanted is here. i feel bad though. i cant really appreciate it :\
its awkward for guys to cry, yet i did. sometimes in the bathroom, sometimes when im eating. its just hard. i kept thinking, weather im wrong or right. loving my family .. is it good enough ? just by loving and not showing it ? is it okay ? loving my friends .. i always have them no matter what, but do they actually care bout me like i care bout them ? sometimes its pointless to love them but they dont love me. the things i have in my life .. car, laptops, expensive stuffs .. for you people, it'll make you happy. different story for me. eventhough i have them, no matter how much i love em, i just cant really show it. i lose it, i scratch it, i broke it, i threw it. is this we call love ? is this what we call appreciation ? sighh .. 


and the most ..
my sweetheart. yet i love her so much, but i still cant find the way to show it. ive been so busy lately with my studies, i do have time for her, but my studies conquer more. i have to control my eager now; eager using the phone too much, persuading myself from being online so much, focusing more on studies, since its the last semester now. i feel bad for myself. the award for the worst boyfriend could be me. im the worst. i have no doubt bout that. i feel sad as well, leaving her there alone. and when she talks to other guys, i got jealous. how asshole am i ? it is my own fault. she deserves to anyway. its her life and you didnt pay attention to her. this jealousy thing always come up. its in my flesh, i just cant remove it. sometimes i thought of letting her go, but that wouldnt happen. i pray for it and hoping it wouldnt happen. Oh Allah, please let me be with her forever. the most simplest prayer i beg upon you, to make our relationship last longer. i love her as much as i can possibly do. that's all i pray. ameen. oh sayangku, if you happenly to read this, im sorry for not being there when you need me sometimes, not texting you or calling you. there're just some reasons i couldnt possibly runaway from it. i still love you no matter what <3


cried .. ? yes i did while i was writing this. plus listening to bruno mars - move on song just made it worst. its so sad. sad.. sad.. and again. i say, im no perfect for ya'll, but i shall show you whats best in me. the best in me that'll make you smile. im no smart person, but i'll try to help. im no good attitude, do let me know where im wrong. mistakes can be learn if not too late. for my name is farhan, and i will stay happy. forever. no more tears, no more frowning. this is it. time to change. 


till then ya'll. when i feel like blogging <3